Thursday, 16 February 2012

How you like dem Big Apples

I'd like to start this post of NYFW round 2 with something completely unrelated. I'd like to apologise to the people stuck in traffic with me and my Beyonce playlist this evening. One guy, we'll call him old mate, got some very mixed messages when I first gave him the Green Light then decided I was too bootylicious for him, confused the crap out of him when I started rapping about some bitch getting my Chinchilla Coats (given the Toyota Camry he was driving preeeetty sure he wasn't in a financial position to be buying no fur coats for no-one) and finished it off with some violent sobbing over 'I miss you' not because I miss anyone, but because I don't have anyone to miss. This is how much crazy we're dealing with here.

On the note of crazy we'll jump right into Spice Girls' designing luxe fashion labels with $5000 plus price tags. CRAZY I TELLS YA. And look, really, I don't have much good news. Maybe if it were Scary Spice doing the designing we'd have something to work with but understandably she's got a lot on her plate with all those Jenny Craig infomercials. A lot on her plate because at Jenny Craig you can eat the food you've always loved (even pasta!) but without the guilt. SOMEONE PAY ME FOR THIS BLOG ALREADY. Anyways, Victoria (don't you love calling celebrities by their first name? Makes me feel expensive) seems to deem her personal body-con dress and Louboutin style as enough reason to create a fashion label. Her usual designs are boring as bat shit. Let's see what happened for Fall 2012.
Victoria Beckham Fall 2012:

It's really nice when designers make clothing that real people can wear. Victoria Beckham is not one of those designers. 

Another incredibly flattering dress for those of us who look amazing naked, under fluorescent lights after a 2 day bender and no sleep. aka none of us.  

I like the leather collar. And um, the, belt? 

So yeah, still boring as bat shit. You may think otherwise rating only these three images but I picked out the best for you dudes. You can thank me later. 

Moving right along-
Alexander Wang Fall 2012:

Well howdy-doody lookie here, isn't this a little different? Wang not making black, sport inspired contemporary fusion basics? Is the apocalypse upon us? According to the Mayan's, yes. According to everyone else, no. Wang is just jiving up his shit. On second thought not much has really changed. At all. He said of the collection: "It's this idea of shrink-wrap, lamination, covering up, lacquering." aka it's this idea of wearable S&M. That's the only difference I could find. 

More of these fucking cross body bags THEY'RE SO UGLY NO ONE IS GOING TO STEAL YOUR SHIT STOP IT. Also Puffer vests are.. cool. When you're Nelly. In the 90's. 

 I am, however, loving these little mouth guard, gags, fish netted whatevers. They're fun. Wang should advertise them for when you take home those guys that are really good looking but really dumb. Sex is not a time for talking, boys. So now instead of punching them mid way you can pretend you're into something more kinky. This adds personal allure (everyone's into mild fetish) but without bringing out the gimp mask. This isn't a personal experience message: I don't have sex, remember? 

Maroon coat for autumn. That's crazy original. Come on designers give us something more to play with. This is like Hunter gumboots for festivals in the UK. We've seen it done for, what? Ever now? Yeah.. yeah I'd definitely say forever. 

I've come to the conclusion that Wang is one of the few designers who makes clothing that looks better on normal people than it does styled on models. It's very underwhelming on the runway. This may be why he's so god damn popular. Bitches love feeling better than models. 

Rodarte Fall 2012
Oh my goodness gracious moi, I cannot tell you how relieving it is to have Rodarte nail Autumn on it's dull little head. I was getting very sad (almost as sad as my sad muesli this morning) looking at show after show of dreary, wintery dark materials and colours and this contemporary oversized-structured bull shit that designers seem to be obsessed with making for women with pre-pubescent boy bodies. Just because It's cold doesn't mean we should just make like an ostrich and sandpit our head for a couple of months. THANK YOU GIRLS FOR BRINGING THE 'AWE' OF 'AWESOME' BACK INTO 'AUTUMN'. That almost worked.

Fucking yeah shearling orange and black striped double breaster. Don't mind if I do. It'd be like wearing a halloween themed candy cane. Which means it'd be awesome to wear.  

Black chicks just make things look better than white girls. 

Oh mannnn I am so romantically and sexually involved in this outfit. I wouldn't even care if this outfit cheated on me after 5 years. I wouldn't kick it's sorry self to the curb, no no, I'd metaphorically turn a metaphorical cheek. Don't be silly guys, of course it's a metaphor, you can't actually date an outfit. Gosh. 

 I'm having gasms (the less sexually charged version of an orgasm) over that collar. So wide.. so luxurious. I could have a picnic on that collar. And the shoulders are perfection.. it's all about the details friends, and them Rodarte sisters got it goin' awwnnn when it comes to details. 

That's enough for now. Time to fall asleep to the soothing sounds of the Beyonce stuck in my head. 


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