Wednesday, 29 February 2012

Blumarine's belong in the sea

Blumarine has come out with the most ridiculously haphazard 'collection' I've seen. Full stop. I'm fine with a bit of creative difference within a collection, sure, no one needs the same outfit 50 times over in 20 different shades of purple (for all your purple moods) but when there is nothing succinct about your line other than everything looks like you're one of the not so aesthetically pleasing extra's from Clueless, then I'm not a fan. They have experimented, because that's what it looks like- experiments, with every kind of cut: mini, maxi, flowing, body con, off the shoulder, one sided, midriff, high neck, cinched, boxy and super tight skinnies. OTT fur coats in blue, pink, orange and purple are placed next to metallic stripper space women outfits while on the other side of a designer's imagination there are completely demure LBD's alongside, and I kid you not, full body leopard print. Like, full on shit y'all. There are at least 20 leopard's on these girls. Blumarine is single handedly putting faux fur animals onto the endangered species list. It's a terrible collection, I won't sugar coat it for you, and obviously haven't. It's just a bit of crap and I have no idea why it's getting so much magazine and online coverage. Bitches be fools, obviously.

This is passable. Fun almost, if you don't mind attracting bee's. 

Who says you can't bring the sexy when wearing thermals? NOT BLUMARINE. 
From what I could gather, BM got one of everything, then did it in a bunch of different styles, then when thinking they were onto something gold (they weren't), doing it in 5 different colours. Oh god, sorry, just brought up a little eggo there.. 

There is blood on your hands, Molinari. And don't think those denim shorts didn't go unnoticed, Dudzeele- your styling slings arrows. A curse on both your houses.

Just because you don't have a black dress doesn't mean you need to put one in. You are such a bad designer it's not even funny anymore. 

It looks like there was an oil spill on your clothes. Wait.. please.. please tell me that's what happened. It would make this so much easier to handle. And what? You planning a game of frisbee after the show with those earrings? ARE YOU? Take them off, just take them off. They're ridiculous, you silly woman.

My lord. 

Wednesday, 22 February 2012

Collab Rehab

One thing I love about fashion is when they do something that they deem 'good for the people'. And I'm not talking about environmentally friendly or anti-sweat shop designers (although that is always good, don't get me wrong.. please don't get me wrong..) I'm a talkin' about when designers decide to make cheap ass clothing for the little guys. aka me. As much as I'm happy to take on fashionable trends and work with cheap online stores (hallewwww asos) or what I've already got (hallewwww hand me downs) to make something completely fabuloose and fashion (I'm totally joking guys hessian sack is my middle name ((It's really not)) ) sometimes It's nice to get something that has been designed by a real designer and not just copying the trends in a mass produced bad quality way. WELCOME H&M's collab with almost everyone. They're making my little heart skip a little beat. Although I'm still dirt poor and would never be able to access them first round Ebay is the ultimate with anonymous and faceless people, who I like to think of as some of my closest and dearest friends, buying up and selling cheap (or over priced) for us plebs in Australia.

Not just H&M are here as a voice to the people but Target too (that's tar-jay to you, ChennĂ©y) with collaborators such as Missoni, Stella McCartney and Jason Wu. So it seems that the fashion elite are not completely against the poor. Sometimes they throw us a bone, no doubt when it suits them and is sure to bring in high revenues to their houses, but a bone all the same. And again undoubtedly (no doubts today guys, doubting fo' fools) they're sitting back laughing as they watch through the heavens drinking martini's and being fed caviar off of gold plated spoons by assless chapped butlers at the scrabble of ravenous, fashion desperate primary school teachers and uni students clawing and gnawing their way through each other to get at a pair of repellant yet totally desirable b-grade Versace leggings. Poor designers, It must be hard giving God a run for his money in the 'do-gooder' stakes.

So let's go through some of the best of the big guys giving 
fashion to the little guys through the middle guys.

Marni for H&M 2012
I found that this collection was better for 1. jewelry and 2. menswear to obviously be worn by women than the straight out women's clothes were. Humbly, you will find I'm right (particularly because I'll only show you the accessories and menswear.. suckas)
Love a bit of bling (albeit monochrome) on the ol' wax makers. Possibly the most disgusting way of describing ears, sure, but apt nonetheless.  

 I love that these kinds of bags get called 'shopper's'. They're 100% the worst bag to take with you when you go shopping. Sure they're roomy, but look at that strap. That strap does not fit over your shoulder. So instead you do an LA It-girl approach and wear it on the crook of your elbow. But you can do that for what? 2 minutes? Tops? Because you, you stupid girl, have all your shopping in it. Unlike Nicole Richie, we do not have people to actually carry all of our stuff when shopping, leaving hand bags free for the essentials: Oversized phone, credit card and chihuahua. So instead we end the whole shopping experience carrying the bag by it's straps in our hand, bent over like the frieken' hunch back of Notre Dame due to the sheer weight of a weeks worth of groceries in a look I like to call 'neanderthal chic'. Now I've brought your attention to it you'll notice it everywhere. Very on-trend at the moment, thank god for Marni and H&M.. 

What do you mean you don't need that much head space in a hat? Of course you do you intolerable, fashion illiterate twat, why the fuck are you even reading my blog? LEAVE! LEAVE NOW!

Ignore everything about this outfit (I hate graphic-designy contemp styled prints on t-shirts and I hate any jewelry with ribbons involved) But those fru-fru undies are spot on fab. So long as you're ok with having a serious case of ruffle butt every time you wear them they're totally practical underwear. aka totally impractical. But that's what this blog is all about, baby. That and being completely cynical.. my two greatest loves. 

Presenting the Man print. Print on print is possibly/probably my favourite thing to do at the mo'. All I need now is a man printed boyfriend to compliment me. What do you mean that's shallow? Why else would you have a boyfriend? God. 

Versace for H&M, 2011
Tropicannaaaaaa. Thank you Donatella for giving us your personal brand of Euro-trash. I am so turned off by the sensory offensiveness of Versace that I am forced to love it. Damn you Dona... 

 It's Hawaii. It's Hawaii framed. It's Hawaii framed in gold. It's Hawaii framed in gold on a leopard. Why? Why?? Why the fuck not? You're Versace, you have a reputation to uphold. 
How disgusting is this bag? That is all. 

You may not know this about me but I used to be a hardcore, trucker hat wearing tom-boy. Yes, yes it's true. This is like a trashed up version of what I used to live for. Which is more than enough of a reason why I'm going to track it down on Ebay and buy it's tanned, leathery skinned ass. Bad visual.. I'm sorry.

Screw my print on print man, this guy is it. He's what my dreams are made of when they're not in black and white. When they are I go back to my print man. It's always nice to have a back up. 

Sometimes normal camouflage pants don't suffice. Like when you're in the tropics playing hide and seek in a palm tree. I mean really, you'd just look stupid in your usual khaki's. Whip out these bad boys and you'll be coconut hugging for hours. 

Lanvin Hearts H&M 2010
"Kathy.. you seem drunk", "Lil' bit, but I can type like a muthafucker!" Movie would have been so much better had Kathy been hired as Carrie's personal assistant. Come on, you were all thinking it. And Elbaz was too when he created a look that was obviously Carrie after a night out with Kathy hangin' at starbucks smoking inside and laughing at patrons while throwing straws at their own reflections. Then again he might not have been thinking that at all. But in my head he was. 

BLACK DRESS POWER STANCE. Unfortunately although you might think this is a bangin' dress this is the only way you can stand in it. Walking and talking is fine, but when stationary you have no choice but to make like a villain and spread 'em. But hey, can't frisk the willing amiright, ladies? 

If I had a pokemon it'd be dressed in this dress and one of it's attacks would be 'flower vomit'.  Another ebay scour that is definitely on the cards for pay day. 

The statement I made earlier about jewelry with ribbons? Yeah.. every girl has a rule exception and this is mine. Actually you know what, it'd still be better without the damned ribbon but NO DICE HUH, ELBAZ. Asshole. 

Missoni for Target 2011
So Missoni for Targs wasn't the most inspired collection. It was typical Missoni prints (you know the Missoni 70's meets eco friendly colour schemes on zig zags and stripes) on boring basic pieces like cardigans and shapeless skirts with lots of scarves and beanies.. I was let down. But because the painter in my lounge room at the moment is rocking out to Nirvana I've come back round to a better place.

They also made homeware stuffs, (SO MUCH HOMEWARE STUFFS) which was pretty awesome. Looking for designer shower curtains? UH, YEAH YOU WERE. Literally everything from stationary to picture frames, bed linen to outdoor table sets? And candles. No self respecting designer would pass up a chance to make budget candles.
 This is the 'I'm too sexy for my sexy outfit' outfit. Model is just oozing sex repulsion. So early 2000's middle school in middle America. 

Hey! Socks! Now that christmas present to your uncle won't be quite as boring because they're by Missoni! They'll probably still be a let down because, I mean, they're still socks.  

Wanna bike? On it.
What about some picture frames? Nailed it!

And a cup and saucer set in a really finnicky and hard to use disposal unit thing? MISSONI GOT CHA COVERED. 

I especially love the frames. You buy them thinking they'll be good because they'll add a bit of designer flare to your boring niece's 2nd birthday photos but then you get home and realise that because you're putting your own photograph in you won't be keeping the Missoni display paper and in essence just bought a black frame at an inflated price.

Jason Wu for Target 2012
Now we all know how I feel about red and navy and this collection has plenty of it. What I liked about Wu for Target was that he didn't adhere completely to a basic 'run of the mill' cut out idea of what the masses want *cough, Missoni, cough*. He still added his own shit to it. 
 Awwwww pastels and bows and satchels, oh my! I HATE IT WHEN PEOPLE REFERENCE DOROTHY. 
Whattdiditellsya? Navy and red! Luv it! Karen Walker eat yo' heart out. 

 I have approximately 100 friends who would froth over a scarf with cats on it. Hopefully I can find a hundred on ebay by all of their 21st's. Happy generic birthday to ya'll. 

And I'm spent.

Yes dudes, I know Stella Mc-C and Rodarte and a bum load others also did collaborative shiz but check it out yourself. It's just not that great. I only gots da crem dee laa crem on my blog. Or the absolute worst of the worst. 

Now painter man is reppin' REM. Have to go dance like it's the end of the world as we know it.


Tuesday, 21 February 2012

Great Scott!

This is hilarious right, get this guy. This is ridiculous even for Jeremy Scott standards. How he pulls this shit off (honestly I don't think he does but someone's buying it..) I will never know. His Fall 2012 RTW collection can only be described as the embodiment of a 90's kid at a Millenium party who listened to too much Aqua having a bad acid trip (that in itself was having a bad acid trip) and then proceeded to ride a unicorn over a rainbow and got stuck midway. Too much? Mildly exaggerated? NO DUDES there is actually a frieken unicorn in this frieken collection. Like much of what came from the nineties It hurts to look at. I don't care to know what state of mind Scott was in (or is ever in.. frieken New Yorker's.. WHY YOU SO HIP FOR). Scott created a collection that, for the most part, was trying to display some kind of contemporaneous (That was impressive wasn't it? Maybs not the correct use but don't pretend you weren't a little turned on by my using it.. just a little bit..) bullshit about the internet and emoticons (not a terrible concept but terribly executed) and modern social state of affairs. You so po mo Scotters. But what happened instead was something that looked so dated it was depressing. If you told me this was actually from the 90's by Tavi's 90's doppelganger featured in a 90's underground zine made in a 90's badly wallpapered 70's inspired den, I would believe you.

In case you hadn't realised I am not a fan of the 90's euphoria that the world seemed to be overcome by through tumblr at some point in 2010. Fucking hipsters ruin everything. But I'll let you make your own decisions. However, if you don't agree with me I would prefer it if you stopped reading my blog. I don't want your fanship, hipster scum.

I jest, please keep reading.. : | (Scott should make me into an emoticon)

Jeremy Scott Fall 2012
Let me start by saying THIS is the most understated ensemble Scott created. Very Paul Smith come Cobain groupie, Jeremy. And yes, that is a third eye on her head.

There is nothing erotic about Bart Simpson. I suppose this is why Scott made the most skin bearing but completely sex-less underwear-crop top- thigh high combo bearing Bart Simpson's face. Actually this seems to be a theme in his collection.. 

There might be a hot male model under that but we'll never know due to his heinously bejazzled face and the gross use of pop culture characters on his outfit. B1 DID NOT WANT HIS FACE SLANDERED ON YOUR HOODIES, SCOTT.

Did you love Barney and Friend's? The Muppets? Yeah well that's them skinned and made into a jacket. Your childhood is officially over. 

I TOLD YOU THERE WAS A UNICORN what the fuckkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkk. 
And can I just bring attention to the hair. I'm not a complete advocate for coloured hair, but you know, done tastefully I ain't a hater. This, on the other hand, offends every one of my senses. I can smell the burnt, overly crimped, bad dye job through the computer.

Poor little guy. He looks so sad. Being used as sex prop by a Tank Girl impersonator in a fetish brothel is difficult at the best of times. Even more so when you're forced to listen to Gwen Stefani on repeat and you just got pulled through the folds of an over weight man dressed as a mutant kangaroo. Too much? Sorry guys, but this is real. 

Hope you're as bummed by this as I am. 


Thursday, 16 February 2012

How you like dem Big Apples

I'd like to start this post of NYFW round 2 with something completely unrelated. I'd like to apologise to the people stuck in traffic with me and my Beyonce playlist this evening. One guy, we'll call him old mate, got some very mixed messages when I first gave him the Green Light then decided I was too bootylicious for him, confused the crap out of him when I started rapping about some bitch getting my Chinchilla Coats (given the Toyota Camry he was driving preeeetty sure he wasn't in a financial position to be buying no fur coats for no-one) and finished it off with some violent sobbing over 'I miss you' not because I miss anyone, but because I don't have anyone to miss. This is how much crazy we're dealing with here.

On the note of crazy we'll jump right into Spice Girls' designing luxe fashion labels with $5000 plus price tags. CRAZY I TELLS YA. And look, really, I don't have much good news. Maybe if it were Scary Spice doing the designing we'd have something to work with but understandably she's got a lot on her plate with all those Jenny Craig infomercials. A lot on her plate because at Jenny Craig you can eat the food you've always loved (even pasta!) but without the guilt. SOMEONE PAY ME FOR THIS BLOG ALREADY. Anyways, Victoria (don't you love calling celebrities by their first name? Makes me feel expensive) seems to deem her personal body-con dress and Louboutin style as enough reason to create a fashion label. Her usual designs are boring as bat shit. Let's see what happened for Fall 2012.
Victoria Beckham Fall 2012:

It's really nice when designers make clothing that real people can wear. Victoria Beckham is not one of those designers. 

Another incredibly flattering dress for those of us who look amazing naked, under fluorescent lights after a 2 day bender and no sleep. aka none of us.  

I like the leather collar. And um, the, belt? 

So yeah, still boring as bat shit. You may think otherwise rating only these three images but I picked out the best for you dudes. You can thank me later. 

Moving right along-
Alexander Wang Fall 2012:

Well howdy-doody lookie here, isn't this a little different? Wang not making black, sport inspired contemporary fusion basics? Is the apocalypse upon us? According to the Mayan's, yes. According to everyone else, no. Wang is just jiving up his shit. On second thought not much has really changed. At all. He said of the collection: "It's this idea of shrink-wrap, lamination, covering up, lacquering." aka it's this idea of wearable S&M. That's the only difference I could find. 

More of these fucking cross body bags THEY'RE SO UGLY NO ONE IS GOING TO STEAL YOUR SHIT STOP IT. Also Puffer vests are.. cool. When you're Nelly. In the 90's. 

 I am, however, loving these little mouth guard, gags, fish netted whatevers. They're fun. Wang should advertise them for when you take home those guys that are really good looking but really dumb. Sex is not a time for talking, boys. So now instead of punching them mid way you can pretend you're into something more kinky. This adds personal allure (everyone's into mild fetish) but without bringing out the gimp mask. This isn't a personal experience message: I don't have sex, remember? 

Maroon coat for autumn. That's crazy original. Come on designers give us something more to play with. This is like Hunter gumboots for festivals in the UK. We've seen it done for, what? Ever now? Yeah.. yeah I'd definitely say forever. 

I've come to the conclusion that Wang is one of the few designers who makes clothing that looks better on normal people than it does styled on models. It's very underwhelming on the runway. This may be why he's so god damn popular. Bitches love feeling better than models. 

Rodarte Fall 2012
Oh my goodness gracious moi, I cannot tell you how relieving it is to have Rodarte nail Autumn on it's dull little head. I was getting very sad (almost as sad as my sad muesli this morning) looking at show after show of dreary, wintery dark materials and colours and this contemporary oversized-structured bull shit that designers seem to be obsessed with making for women with pre-pubescent boy bodies. Just because It's cold doesn't mean we should just make like an ostrich and sandpit our head for a couple of months. THANK YOU GIRLS FOR BRINGING THE 'AWE' OF 'AWESOME' BACK INTO 'AUTUMN'. That almost worked.

Fucking yeah shearling orange and black striped double breaster. Don't mind if I do. It'd be like wearing a halloween themed candy cane. Which means it'd be awesome to wear.  

Black chicks just make things look better than white girls. 

Oh mannnn I am so romantically and sexually involved in this outfit. I wouldn't even care if this outfit cheated on me after 5 years. I wouldn't kick it's sorry self to the curb, no no, I'd metaphorically turn a metaphorical cheek. Don't be silly guys, of course it's a metaphor, you can't actually date an outfit. Gosh. 

 I'm having gasms (the less sexually charged version of an orgasm) over that collar. So wide.. so luxurious. I could have a picnic on that collar. And the shoulders are perfection.. it's all about the details friends, and them Rodarte sisters got it goin' awwnnn when it comes to details. 

That's enough for now. Time to fall asleep to the soothing sounds of the Beyonce stuck in my head. 


Wednesday, 15 February 2012

It's a hell of a town

New York, New York. One day we'll be acquainted, but until then all I have of you is Sex and the City (just realised how I'm going to spend the rest of my day) and fashion week. And blogs, of course, so many blogs. As the week of NY fash has just been upon us (New York) I feel I should do a little summin' of what I've been able to scope out so far. It's a lot more difficult to pick up on hype when you're sitting in bed with only the internet as your source and not, you know, at the shows themselves but what can a girl do? Cry. She can cry. So picture me crying (as I've done every minute since that awful valentines day((I jest (((but not really))) )) ) (was that the correct use of double and triple bracketing? Has that ever been done before? DID I JUST IMPROVE THE ENGLISH LANGUAGE?? I'm going with yes. Don't contradict me) In bed, with some sad muesli and a sad coffee wishing they were happier (it's really depressing eating miserable breakfast- you feel fat, mentioning past boyfriends is a mistake you only make once ((milk everywhere)) and lord knows you have to put the knifes away..) and trolling through images of places I'd rather be. Wearing clothes I'd rather own.

That got a little too real. Sorry guys, I just wanted to make everyone who is a couple right now feel bad for me. And now for their impending pregnancy. I'll save you my conspiracy theories on the health system and government working with Hallmark to create a baby boom in order to save the economy. Or I could not save it and tell you like I just did. Either way this post is about NY Fashion Week so here we go bois and gurls, snuggle down with manic depressive eggs and try to keep the yolk from hitting the fan.

Marc Jacobs Fall 2012:
As I had such a hate fest on the poor guy I thought he'd be a good place to start. Not so I can rip into him some more, but so I can rejoice in his newest collection being a bit of all right.

This is what they call hats now. It's sun protection, blanket, holiday house, carry all and emergency vomit bucket all in one fuzzy head accessory. Jacob's, you've done it again. Making the absolutely unnecessary necessary. 

I knew this day would come. They got him. The Leocophant's bro. The homie of all hombodies. The Zebtigra. Who are we to say that the animal kingdom is a place of consistency? Can love not prevail everywhere? Sometimes Tiger's fall in love with Zebra's. It was a classic tiger meets zebra story- Tiger goes on the prowl, forced by his pack elder as he hadn't made a zebra kill yet and it was a part of the initiation ritual into adult tiger-hood. He slinks around some trees and spots a peppy young Zebra lass. Their eyes meet and next thing you know they're being kicked out of the Sahara after being found getting kinky behind the waterhole. Pretty sure it was the hippo's who ratted them out which is totally unfair cos we all know how hippo's feel about flamingos, am I right? So here we see the ultimate lovechild, the Zebtigra, as a hat. You cruel bastard, Jacobs... 

I feel like I shouldn't just focus on the hats. But really, the rest of the collection was a little chimney sweep sad. The colours were muted, even these sparkly ensembs (above) were a little lack lustre. It felt a lot like a Dr. Seuss novel set in the Depression with an underlying Mary Poppins/Bert love story. That didn't end well. The over sized buttons and swashbuckling Victorian glamour boots were excellent, but still. I felt like I needed to rhyme my way back to a simpler place. These were loaded hats. 

Karen Walker Fall 2012:
I'm always in awe of how Karen Walker can keep so on trend and manage to have show after show of successful collections without really changing at all. She is still 100% Karen Walker with her dorky Karen Walker style and her Karen Walker nostalgic but trendy colour schemes and Karen Walker tom-boy silhouettes. They're the same every time yet every time I see her shows and think: EUREKA and do a couple of back flips down the hall. Maybe I'm just lezzin' a bit on KW. Maybe it's because she shares the name of one of the best characters known to this fag hag world we live in (see the gold-digging, diamond wearing, bee-hive sporting KW of Will and Grace). But most of all I think it's because Karen Walker is just a decent designer who refuses to buy into high fashion fads. Sometimes, not always but sometimes, this gets respect from the fashion world. K-dubs: I salute you. 

I'm just a sucker for checks. Checks, gingham, patchwork, plaid. Anything in the Checkered family. If they'd be invited to the Check family picnic I'd be there making pants. These honey's are no exception. And with yellow? Brilliant! How had I not thought of yellow as a necessary colour for me to own? Maybe because I'm a pale red head and it'd make me look like I had a liver disease BUT I'M STILL GONNA DO IT. Just yesterday I was out with two male friends who told me I looked crazy for wearing pink pants with a leopard print cardigan and snake skin shoes so I'm obviously not attractive to the opposite sex in any way, shape or form- what do I have to lose? To yellow I say: Bring it

I feel like even I could get over my strong, strong, hateful aversion to white pants in order to rock this awesome outfit. Damn outfit, why you so awesome for? Paisley perfection. Even the tan highlights aren't offending me too profusely today. Well done tan. 

Cmonnnnnnn. That's it. That's all I have to say to this outfit. It's a c'mon loaded with mild skepticism, excited enthusiasm, persuasion and disbelief. Her shoes match her shirt for crying out load. And she's wearing orange pants. 'Nuff said.

Ultimate pervert jacket for ladies. Can't you just see this model undoing a couple of buttons and opening herself up to a gaggle of teens at a cafe somewhere? Please don't tell me it's just me.. 

There is more to come, but I have to go to work. Those small children aren't going to look after themselves now are they? No. No they're not. I'll be back with a vengeance tonight for more. I'm thinking Victoria Beckham... I can hear your gasps of disbelief but yes, readers, you read correctly. VB.