Saturday, 10 March 2012

You be my king, I'll be your McQueen

I've had mixed responses to Sarah Burton's taking over at Alexander McQueen. My best friend, who adored him (pretty sure tears were shed when he died. I've only ever cried about one celebrity and that was when Millsy got booted off Australian Idol and yes I believe this was totally justified crying), doesn't seem to be making the transition into a new head designer too well. It's kind of like having your parents re-marry and having to share your things with a new step sibling. Actually, it's nothing like that at all. But you get my drift (you really don't). Personally, I think Burton is doing a brilliant job. There was never going to be another McQueen. He created clothing that would sway the beliefs of anyone who took the 'fashion is not art' stance. His clothing was conceptual. For me, it was emotional reading about his vision (sorry for the wank talk). So no, no one was ever going to be the new Alexander McQueen. Those jeweled, hoofed shoes would never, ever be filled.

But if someone had to, I think Sarah Burton was the woman to try. And try she has. Try she continues to do. Try she succeeds (doesn't make sense as a sentence you say? Get off my blog is my rebuttal). And I also think it was fantastic that McQueen is having his name honoured by a woman. She brings to the house a feminine quality that although not completely foreign to the father, is lighter- but still with the same depth and dignity that McQueen had, just perhaps not as dark and foreboding as his designs were. She still carries the essence, the atmospheric quality of Alexander McQueen clothing, but with a touch of her own. I love it.

Fall 2012 RTW
Just watch how how the fabrics move. Who thinks up this shit? To be in her brain for just like, a minute. I bet she's inspired even when she's buying toilet paper. Bitch. 

The women walking down the runway in this collection looked like amazing human/exotic bird/flower cross breeds created in a UFO laboratory by highly intelligent and beautiful aliens who thought we were too ugly to continue living the way we were. I'm thinking like something out of the 5th Element. Not something out of Star Wars. The furs and the fabrics and the concealed faces through visors resembling a sort of really unhelpful space helmut used purely for aesthetic purposes and not for generating oxygen or space gas or whatever these ali-babes breath. 

Only at Alexander McQueen could trumpeted duster hands be made into a thing of beauty. I mean, if you cast your minds back to the attempts made by a certain Italian designer (Frankie Morello) and the orange atrocities swinging off his girls arms you get where I'm coming from with the ugly cleaning facilities attached to the forearm reference. Not attractive. Unless you're this girl. Then you've gone beyond sex into a whole new realm of  desire. Where did my train of thought go...

In theory this outfit would never, ever, EVER be deemed sexy. In a McQueen reality, in other words not a reality you or I will ever be a part of, a pink and red ill-fitted, awkwardly mid-calf-lengthed, off the shoulder flower arrangement dress with Elmo's family bringing up the rear would always be 100% ugly. Not at McQueen. Burton has made something I want to be wearing when I get accepted into heaven. A promiscuous, homosexually accepting heaven. A heaven that doesn't exist. 

These dresses (couture dudes.. not by any means ready to wear that shit) actually make the women look like flowers. And I have absolutely no idea what they're made out of. What the frick. Being told I was a muse to someone who created something like that would be both the best and worst compliment in the world. On the one had I've inspired something completely otherworldly and organically unnatural and on the other It's more or less saying that, in essence, I resemble a genetically modified sea anemone. Still, I'd take it. 


Thursday, 1 March 2012


Milan, Milan you're a hell of a town.. yeah look, I know I'm repeating myself but I don't know any songs about Milan so we'll have to be resourceful aight? Aight. Milan FW is a very exciting and emotional time for me. But, like majority of this Fall's collections, I have been let down. At least this time I was let down with humour more than disappointment (see previous post about Blumarine.. blerghvom). There were also some stunners amongst the shocks, but in my usual fashion (enjoying pessimism too much) I'll go through the worst and leave you with a smize for the finale. Everyone loves a good Tyra Smize.*

*Smizing: An action coined by Tyra Bank's on America's Next Top Model meaning to smile with one's eyes.  

Morello's Army:
(Frankie Morello A/W '12)
In a collection so adorned with studs, spikes, whips and tassels one can only assume Morello was preparing for an all out fashion war. A war against taste. Some of the girls are even wearing knee pads over their totally bad ass fish nets. Because that's what it means when you're wearing fish nets: that you're bad ass. It's dress decoding 101. 

For when you want to take a stroll through ghetto and are scared of getting shanked. You wear a bodycon suit of armour. Totally wearer friendly, don't worry. Like those shoes, which I like to call 'The Infertiliators'. Think about what would be hit if you got kicked by those fearless muthas. You'll get to my point eventually. 

Safety first doods, don't hate the playa. 

Don't get drunk in this outfit. That skirt is so short you will puncture your ass on your heels when you pop a squat to take a pee behind a bush or, for the classy ladies, when you booty drop trying to impress that mohawked bartender. Those shoes are fierce in a way that makes me fear there is no God. 

"Excuse me miss, you've got a dead something on your.. oh.. oh that's a skirt.. I'm sorry miss.. I'm sorry, don't give me that look.. DON'T KICK ME.. NOT THERE! OH GOD!!!"
True story. 

Finally. The goods.
Moschino Fall '12 RTW
This collection (finally! Thank you Moschino, good lord thank you!) actually made me squirm. In bed. By myself. Some of the ensembles were just so spot on perfect I literally made a weird little noise and wriggled. Another reason why I may not have a boyfriend, they get upstaged by an outfit on a regular basis. But in all seriousness, (not that that wasn't a serious comment, it really, really was) Rossella Jardini built a collection with themes that seemed to tour the world and colours and styles you'd normally be bored by, all of this sounding like she pulled a BM (that's a Blumarine, now my term for anything generally terrible) but instead the clothing seemed to lift inspiration from Spanish bull fighter marching band (that's not all that new for Moschino, but still fun), US Southern belle's, and French 60's fashionistas along with a colour palette that was safe, but spot on of black with red, blue, yellow. The tayloring and fabric choices were those buttery thick, lush ones that make you froth a little and know that whoever wore them would instantly be transformed into some kind of chic goddess it girl.. thing. Anyway that's enough rambling, let's go rodeo. 

Move over Morello, this is what real badass looks like. These girls should make up a gang in a Tarantino film where they drive around in fast cars and have witty and amusing conversations for 2 hours. Someone gets a lapdance. You know, a Tarantino movie.  

These babes would be the rival fem posse that eventually get killed off due to Tarantino's dislike of overly feminine women. They went down fighting though, don't worry guys. 

You'd think an electric blue satin and ostrich feathered drop hem prom dress would repel me to my core. But it doesn't. The bling to atrocious ratio is just perfect. I want this in my utility belt stat. 

If you came up to me, handed me this outfit, and said "go forth and prosper Lucius" I would do it. I would go forth, and prosper, in stripes. 

And just for shits and giggles: an ostrich feather helmut. I wish I saw this in the flesh. Gawwwddddd what I'd do to be flown around the world for the fashion weeks.. rich husband, baby, where are you? 

Not Marni's best but still a good effort. Where the prints at Marns? I missed them, and you're so good at them... follow your bliss Marni, follow your bliss. 

I'm not not a huge lover of the Guch. Or the Hooch. Dark, again, because obviously being fall and all the world must retreat into a deep reflective state of being that colour, god forbid you wear it, would distract from. This is where Gucci comes in with a collection that almost inspired me to pick up an opium habit, hop into my nearest den and start subtly, yet inappropriately, touching people in decadent robes and furs. 

Max Mara
What annoyed me about this collection was how boring it was. Why be boring when you can be interesting, I always say. One might even say it's my catch phrase. It'd probably be something more along the lines of 'boring people should be shot' but that's a little too should-be-committed crazy so we'll forget I said anything. 
 I did enjoy how reminiscent of a Clockwork Orange they were. Perhaps 'A Clockwork Orange 2: Shanty tales'. But maybe this is something I shouldn't bring up after my last statement.. 

Dolce & Gabbana
Beautifully luxurious and dainty all in one. The pieces in this show demanded a sense of reverence, yet had a peek-a-boo quality in the sheer and mildly sexual lace. Lace can always be a little sexual, can't it? That's what I love about it, both innocent and provocative all in one. As well the accessories which I'd say were more human decorations than anything were over the top and fabulous. But similar to something we have seen before... As my friend brought to my attention recently, as soon as Miuccia Prada trends something, everyone else soon follows suit. D&G inclusive. She is the messiah of fashion trending.

You would never swim in these but you would definitely casually lie around leisure pools after working out for two weeks and let people take photos of you as if you were born that way. You'd definitely do that in these. 

What did I tells ya? This screams Miu Miu people. MIU MIU (that was the outfit screaming).

After hearing the banshees call, Prada announced itself. In a collection that was by no means her best, Miuccia still trumps in the fashion world. A little too subdued for my Prada taste, I couldn't see the reason for restraint. But then again, I never can. This is why I hate so much of what other people design. C'est la vie (why did I just write that..). The tailoring- masculine not unlike her men's collection(and how good was that dayummmm Adrien B), featured patterns and colours that sometimes felt as if you were in a Wes Anderson movie having lunch with Adrien Brodie (she's onto something) and Bill Murray (wouldn't that just be the best lunch in the world? Laugh at Murray over finger food and for dessert have sex with Brodie. Amazing). At other times it was more like staring at a psychotrip poster in the bedroom of a teenager in the 60's. That's what Miuccia does though. She references everything from everywhere and yet still has a style so specific to now It makes me question why other designers even bother. Really though, why even bother? She's always going to be better than you.

Oh and Missoni, we found your prints. Please pick them up and use them in your sad excuse for a collection (not featured. Too sad).  

That is all.