Thursday, 1 March 2012


Milan, Milan you're a hell of a town.. yeah look, I know I'm repeating myself but I don't know any songs about Milan so we'll have to be resourceful aight? Aight. Milan FW is a very exciting and emotional time for me. But, like majority of this Fall's collections, I have been let down. At least this time I was let down with humour more than disappointment (see previous post about Blumarine.. blerghvom). There were also some stunners amongst the shocks, but in my usual fashion (enjoying pessimism too much) I'll go through the worst and leave you with a smize for the finale. Everyone loves a good Tyra Smize.*

*Smizing: An action coined by Tyra Bank's on America's Next Top Model meaning to smile with one's eyes.  

Morello's Army:
(Frankie Morello A/W '12)
In a collection so adorned with studs, spikes, whips and tassels one can only assume Morello was preparing for an all out fashion war. A war against taste. Some of the girls are even wearing knee pads over their totally bad ass fish nets. Because that's what it means when you're wearing fish nets: that you're bad ass. It's dress decoding 101. 

For when you want to take a stroll through ghetto and are scared of getting shanked. You wear a bodycon suit of armour. Totally wearer friendly, don't worry. Like those shoes, which I like to call 'The Infertiliators'. Think about what would be hit if you got kicked by those fearless muthas. You'll get to my point eventually. 

Safety first doods, don't hate the playa. 

Don't get drunk in this outfit. That skirt is so short you will puncture your ass on your heels when you pop a squat to take a pee behind a bush or, for the classy ladies, when you booty drop trying to impress that mohawked bartender. Those shoes are fierce in a way that makes me fear there is no God. 

"Excuse me miss, you've got a dead something on your.. oh.. oh that's a skirt.. I'm sorry miss.. I'm sorry, don't give me that look.. DON'T KICK ME.. NOT THERE! OH GOD!!!"
True story. 

Finally. The goods.
Moschino Fall '12 RTW
This collection (finally! Thank you Moschino, good lord thank you!) actually made me squirm. In bed. By myself. Some of the ensembles were just so spot on perfect I literally made a weird little noise and wriggled. Another reason why I may not have a boyfriend, they get upstaged by an outfit on a regular basis. But in all seriousness, (not that that wasn't a serious comment, it really, really was) Rossella Jardini built a collection with themes that seemed to tour the world and colours and styles you'd normally be bored by, all of this sounding like she pulled a BM (that's a Blumarine, now my term for anything generally terrible) but instead the clothing seemed to lift inspiration from Spanish bull fighter marching band (that's not all that new for Moschino, but still fun), US Southern belle's, and French 60's fashionistas along with a colour palette that was safe, but spot on of black with red, blue, yellow. The tayloring and fabric choices were those buttery thick, lush ones that make you froth a little and know that whoever wore them would instantly be transformed into some kind of chic goddess it girl.. thing. Anyway that's enough rambling, let's go rodeo. 

Move over Morello, this is what real badass looks like. These girls should make up a gang in a Tarantino film where they drive around in fast cars and have witty and amusing conversations for 2 hours. Someone gets a lapdance. You know, a Tarantino movie.  

These babes would be the rival fem posse that eventually get killed off due to Tarantino's dislike of overly feminine women. They went down fighting though, don't worry guys. 

You'd think an electric blue satin and ostrich feathered drop hem prom dress would repel me to my core. But it doesn't. The bling to atrocious ratio is just perfect. I want this in my utility belt stat. 

If you came up to me, handed me this outfit, and said "go forth and prosper Lucius" I would do it. I would go forth, and prosper, in stripes. 

And just for shits and giggles: an ostrich feather helmut. I wish I saw this in the flesh. Gawwwddddd what I'd do to be flown around the world for the fashion weeks.. rich husband, baby, where are you? 

Not Marni's best but still a good effort. Where the prints at Marns? I missed them, and you're so good at them... follow your bliss Marni, follow your bliss. 

I'm not not a huge lover of the Guch. Or the Hooch. Dark, again, because obviously being fall and all the world must retreat into a deep reflective state of being that colour, god forbid you wear it, would distract from. This is where Gucci comes in with a collection that almost inspired me to pick up an opium habit, hop into my nearest den and start subtly, yet inappropriately, touching people in decadent robes and furs. 

Max Mara
What annoyed me about this collection was how boring it was. Why be boring when you can be interesting, I always say. One might even say it's my catch phrase. It'd probably be something more along the lines of 'boring people should be shot' but that's a little too should-be-committed crazy so we'll forget I said anything. 
 I did enjoy how reminiscent of a Clockwork Orange they were. Perhaps 'A Clockwork Orange 2: Shanty tales'. But maybe this is something I shouldn't bring up after my last statement.. 

Dolce & Gabbana
Beautifully luxurious and dainty all in one. The pieces in this show demanded a sense of reverence, yet had a peek-a-boo quality in the sheer and mildly sexual lace. Lace can always be a little sexual, can't it? That's what I love about it, both innocent and provocative all in one. As well the accessories which I'd say were more human decorations than anything were over the top and fabulous. But similar to something we have seen before... As my friend brought to my attention recently, as soon as Miuccia Prada trends something, everyone else soon follows suit. D&G inclusive. She is the messiah of fashion trending.

You would never swim in these but you would definitely casually lie around leisure pools after working out for two weeks and let people take photos of you as if you were born that way. You'd definitely do that in these. 

What did I tells ya? This screams Miu Miu people. MIU MIU (that was the outfit screaming).

After hearing the banshees call, Prada announced itself. In a collection that was by no means her best, Miuccia still trumps in the fashion world. A little too subdued for my Prada taste, I couldn't see the reason for restraint. But then again, I never can. This is why I hate so much of what other people design. C'est la vie (why did I just write that..). The tailoring- masculine not unlike her men's collection(and how good was that dayummmm Adrien B), featured patterns and colours that sometimes felt as if you were in a Wes Anderson movie having lunch with Adrien Brodie (she's onto something) and Bill Murray (wouldn't that just be the best lunch in the world? Laugh at Murray over finger food and for dessert have sex with Brodie. Amazing). At other times it was more like staring at a psychotrip poster in the bedroom of a teenager in the 60's. That's what Miuccia does though. She references everything from everywhere and yet still has a style so specific to now It makes me question why other designers even bother. Really though, why even bother? She's always going to be better than you.

Oh and Missoni, we found your prints. Please pick them up and use them in your sad excuse for a collection (not featured. Too sad).  

That is all. 


1 comment:

  1. you are right, as per - IF HEELS ARE GOING TO STAB YOU IN THE VAG WHILE YOU BUST A QUICKIE PUBLIC URINATION THEN THEY ARE NEVER GOING TO APPEAL TO THE MODERN WOMAN. (that was caps by accident, but i like it). also i would DEF watch 'a clockwork orange 2: shanty tales' xx