Saturday, 21 July 2012

Tweedle Dum

I'm just going to come out and say what you're not meant to say: I don't think Karl Lagerfeld should be designing for Chanel anymore. There. I said it. Don't tell me you weren't thinking it because you were I know you were don't tell me you weren't you'd be lying. And don't do that, not here, in the home of the young and the cynical. It's obvious why none of the magazines say it, Vogue can't rip into Chazza when their biggest income is advertising from the aforementioned. But I can, for I am brave (and also because no one pays me. If anyone wants to start I am absolutely cool with selling out for a nice cash/cheque/free merchandise. I can love Lagerfeld, I could learn to love Marc Jacob's destruction of the hat. Hell I could even love Michael Kors. For money, I would do that. I would). I am brave and I am free.

Anyway, I'm over it. Chanel used to mean something, man. It used to be a house of repose, of grace and style.. ok I jest I would never talk like that but there is a certain reputation that one feels obliged to believe in when It comes to Chanel. Unfortunately no more. Yeah, any designer working for a long withstanding house needs to oblige to traditions and aesthetics, but seriously. Dudes. Karl. Buddy. Stop with the Tweed. I know it was rockin' in Coco's time but enough is enough. I think if I see one more tweed suit by you I'm going to go and set fire to a flock of sheep. Too far? I once would have agreed with you but now I'm not so sure. I'm in a very hateful place at the moment. A place that must be similar to Lagerfeld's uncreative one (another terrible bridge, sorry). If it's not tweed, it's ugly. And if it's not ugly, it's boring. And when he really puts his genius to work, it's all three PLUS bad accessories. Pearl warts? Nose chains? Dreads?? REALLY MAN DREADS. I do know dreads aren't accessories but given they'd all be fake hair I think you can reach my point with out too much effort. Just do it for me.

Every season I put on my best LBD, sport my finest bobbed wig, channel my finest Chanel memories and pray that maybe, just maybe, he'll pull through and give me something to clutch my pearls over. But every season I'm led to sigh and throw my faux hair to the ground and melodramatically fling myself onto a daybed. I have held hopeful hopes for too long, and I'm afraid, dear Karl, your time is up. I welcome you, readers, to tour the Chanel failings over the most recent seasonal disappointments.

A Reverse Visual Chronology of How and Why Lagerfeld Can't Design Anymore:

Fall 2012 Couture:

Ok it's not tweed but what is this? No really, what is this? I'm so over feathers. I've been over feathers since Carrie wore that stupid feather tailed skirt on SATC. Yes, I can find my way back to Sex and the City from anywhere. Turnips? Turnips are an unfortunately shaped vegetable that often get made into vegetable soups, sometimes these soups are cold, Samantha goes to a cold food restaurant in order to fuck the waiter BAM turnips are Sex and the City relevant. Still doesn't make this dress aesthetically relevant. Or nice.

Resort 2013:
His stance is saying 'Laddieessss' and the laddieessss are saying 'In those shoes...?'

Kinda missed the peplum digs, Karl. This is a little 3 year old at a 3 year old party where the theme was 3 year olds. 

Did you hear that? A shrill "Let them eat cake" on the wind? Oh sorry, that was just Frances-Louise, the Marie Antoinette themed drag queen. 

Couture Spring 2012:
Too boring to bother noting. 

Fall Ready To Wear 2012:

And just in case you wanted to mix up that tweed suit you can add some tweed pants. Truly ingenious tweedery, Karl.

Just sayin'. 

Pre-Fall 2012
Don't worry guys, stress less, when you go to India, Karl's gotcha covered on the tweed front. 

Loves me a man turban. And a man who only wears white suits. Super practical. 

Why the tie, Karl? What's its purpose? Does it have one? Because I feel like you're pushing your own perverse tie agenda on these poor models. But Karl, they just don't deserve it, please, leave the poor girls alone. It's bad enough they have to get tweed chaffe.. don't put them in hideous bejangled neck-nooses.

I'm all out of criticism. It feels good to get that off my chest. I feel light. I could even wear tweed. 




  1. It had to be said, kudos to you!.... hey thanks too for reminding me, I must get my damn white suit back from the cleaners.

  2. bwwwaahahahaha you are amazing.

  3. You are absolutely hilarious! Not sure why I didn't take a look before!
    Nat xxx

  4. I can't believe you briefly returned and didn't inform me! HOW am i even meant to internet stalk you like this, le masurier. Really. Also KL kind of gives me that awks feeling where i'm sort of embarrassed for both of us that i don't think he's cooler? Chanel tweed is only good on Patsy Stone. xxx